Do You Think You Can Tell?

It's been such a pleasant week. I've been in a weirdly good, optimistic mood and I've read so many great stories and watched so many nice things and listened to fantastic music this week. I'll make another post later all about the feminist conference which went INSANELY well. Wow. The group of girls from school that I attended the conference with were so incredibly kickass and beautiful and amazing. I left the weekend and entered the week so full of love. For now, here are some odds and ends before I go to bed.

What I've read:

• "Why Don't You Dance?" by Raymond Carver
• A Visit From the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan

What I've watched: 

• The Office (for the thousandth time)
• It Happened One Night (watched for the first time tonight - teared up hella)
• "The Most Beautiful Shots In Movie History"

Finally, after a long, stressful argument with my friend from last week, I made her an "I miss you" playlist and 'won her back'! Here's what was on it:

1. "Baby Come Back" by Player
2. "Crown of Love" by Arcade Fire
3. "I Miss You" by blink-182
4. "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd
5. "Patience" by Guns N' Roses
6. "Here Without You" by The Byrds
7. "All My Loving" by The Beatles
8. "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers
9. "Better Together" by Jack Johnson
10. "These Foolish Things" by Sam Cooke
11. "It's A Lonesome Old Town" by Frank Sinatra

That's all for now.

K

Wow. Life is So Hard.

This week has been insane. With a capital 'I'. So much happened this week and so much that seems incredibly inappropriate to disclose in detail.

First, I had a horrible fight with a friend. Friends with girls are a struggle because there are always so many emotions that come along with it, not to mention other girls picking sides. I've tried my absolute hardest to combat this by trying to take my emotions out of it and look at the situation objectively and rationally, as well as making sure I avoid "teaming-up" tendencies. I seriously have never understood the teaming-up-against-others mindset especially over a personal problem (the girl I had a fight with has not combatted any of this whatsoever but, hey, people are different and react to situations differently).

A lot of girls - especially in groups - have the "you're either with us or against us" approach and I don't get it at all. Life isn't that black and white. There are so many gray areas. It's also difficult finding a balance between standing up for what you believe is right and knowing you made the right decisions for yourself while also trying to have empathy for the other person.

After reaching out to her and her not reciprocating at all, I've spent the week trying to make peace with problems I can't control the outcomes of. I personally don't think the issue was worth ending a friendship over at all, but you can't ever convince someone that you never intended to hurt them if they don't want to believe it. And, at the end of the day, should it really be this hard?

It's just unfortunate and sad because we literally have one month of classes left. Ugh. Girls are hard.

Second, there was a major tragedy at my school wherein an alum committed a brutal hate crime which resulted in the death of the victim. I spent the entire morning at school in the counselor's office with several other black girls I've grown up with crying and talking. We all relieved ourselves of our emotional burdens for a little bit and it was crazy cathartic. I am so glad I was able to sit down with all of them, hug all of them, and say I was there for all of them. Bottom line: being black or mixed is hard in ways one can't ever understand as a white person. Being a person of color at all is hard in ways others can't understand. Trying to understand and listen to us, though, is where mindblowing change can happen.

There's so much shit going on in the world and with globalization, it can be overwhelming to the point that sometimes I just shut down and dissociate myself. But there are problems like police brutality, the crisis in Syria, climate change, animal abuse, endangerment of bees and monarch butterflies, sexism, LGBTQ rights, and others that keep me moving moving moving.

Key lesson of the week: Empathy.


I finished off the school week this evening by seeing one of my best friends, C. She left my school in freshman year to study elsewhere which is lame. But she's seriously my soul sister and being with her makes the problems I was facing with people at my school seem so far away.

We bought groceries. We ate Fig Bars. We pet the store cat. We tried to hunt down a group of skater boys.








I'm off bright and early at 7am tomorrow morning (yes, on a Saturday) for a young feminist leadership conference in D.C. with other members of the Women's Empowerment Club that I co-lead at school. Let's catch up later and I'll take plenty of pictures.


That's all for now.
K

We All Have a Little Louis C.K. In Us

When did I become so pessimistic?? I suppose part of it is being a Capricorn. I was brushing up on Zodiac traits the other day and came across a list of Capricorn 'dislikes'. It read "everything, at some point". Damn.

I won't lie and say that I'm the most upbeat person in the entire world, although I am also not the most negative person either. But there's something about being only a month away from my last day of high school - ever - and putting life into perspective.

Thoughts are really powerful. So powerful, in fact, that they can easily shape who we are externally and lead us to make certain actions and decisions. I've noticed that a lot of the time my thoughts gear towards the negative bits of life instead of the positive bits. There's always going to be something to complain about. But at the same time, there's also always going to be something to be happy about or grateful for.

There are two big other things that make me pessimistic besides being a Capricorn. Society and society.

First off, society is tough right now. There's so much in the world to be angry or stressed about. I'm always thinking about Syria and climate change and inequality and immigration and President Trump and the Dakota access pipeline, overwhelming myself with problems that I cannot immediately change, especially being 18 with no money of my own. Sometimes I need to take a step back and realize that there is time for me to get out there and that there are already educated, like-minded people out there working on it. For now, all I can do is spread the word and raise money.

Second, society romanticizes a lot of things. We all have a little Louis C.K. in us. There's this image of the misunderstood teen that we all kind of like for some reason. We romanticize negativity all the time, telling ourselves that complaining is not only funny but somehow charming. It's not really, though, not if you do it all the time. Not if there's virtually no reason for it.

I'm trying to see the best in people. At the end of the day, I can't be mad at somebody for being who they are. They are who they are based on years and years of experiences and lessons and conversations. Who am I to criticize others, especially when they're 18 too and also have no idea what they're doing or where they're going? Life is already hard enough without creating more of your own problems.

Anyway, be less Nick and more Jess.

  

A playlist for bitterness: 

1. Katchi (feat. Leon Bridges) by Nick Waterhouse
2. Everybody Likes Something Good by Ify Jerry Crusade
3. I'm Going Home by Bob Hocko, Swamprats
4. Bluish by Animal Collective
5. Sex Tourists by French Kicks
6. 4 cheveux dans le vent by Bain Didonc
7. Tequila by The Champs

That's all for now.

K

A Weird Honest Ramble About Hepburn & Bogart

This is the second time I have double-posted in one day. Like, a double double-post. Anyways, there's so much to say and maybe it feels like it's right to document it because I'm leaving for college and, like I've said, life moves so fast and before I know it I'll be graduating for the second time and everything I have going on now will be a memory and I don't want to get that memory wrong.


A couple weeks ago, I was FaceTiming my best guy friend. He wanted advice about love and life, as most of my friends usually do. The only thing I could think of to tell him was to tell him to put it in perspective. I carried him over to the corner of my room and whipped out my journal from sophomore year, stashed underneath my book about Hamilton the musical. I wish I still kept up a journal. I probably should make a note to start journaling again, but I digress.

I read bits and pieces to him, about the first time I was asked out and the first couple dates I'd ever gone on. We laughed about how melodramatic it was. I told him how big a deal I made it out to be at the time when, in reality, it wasn't a big deal because here I am 3 years later and I'm fine and the guy I went out with for a couple weeks is fine too and happy and we don't talk much. Right now, there are plenty of things I'm stressing over, things like boys and prom season and graduation, that won't mean much next year.

Speaking of boys, how can you find closure and move on from something that didn't even happen? Not to spit out a ton of sob stories, but seriously. I'd like to know. The problem with pining over a guy or having an unrequited crush is that there isn't ever really a solid break-up or conversation. It's all a one-sided, chaotic mess. Anyway, going into college with not much romantic history under your belt can be pretty daunting. Not necessarily bad, just weird.

Do you ever get a feeling like you're the side friend? Like, if your life were a movie it wouldn't even really be about you, it would be about someone else who's close to you and you'd star as the side friend - witty quips and messy hair and strangely powerful bits of Oprahesque wisdom over bowls of ice cream? But, as Kate Winslet reminded us in The Holiday,

I was reading The Infinity Diaries today, this series of essays that Tavi Gevinson (my idol) wrote on Rookie. She was talking about how we grow up with expectations about love through the media and through literature. And it's true - really all I know about love is what I've read and listened to in music and heard about from friends. Joan Didion said, "I tended to perceive the world in terms of things read about it. I [had] a literary idea of experience, and I still don’t know where all the lies are." Where are the lies? I haven't a clue because most of my experiences with love have been pretty negative. And, really, it's extremely difficult to date when you're super romantically shy and an INFJ. And, apparently, it's especially difficult if you're not willing to get very, very drunk at parties on weekends. Hence, the pining.

I relate most to Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina with her experiences with guys. I can only hope to have as much of a glow-up as she does. I mean, she goes to Paris, befriends an old aristocrat, cuts her hair, gets a new wardrobe, and returns a brand-new woman, leaving the guy she's had a crush on since she was a child completely smitten. But, in the end, (spoiler alert) she ends up falling in love with his older brother, Humphrey Bogart, and sails away to Europe with him, which is way better. My only options are swishy-haired, Vineyard Vine-clad, lacrosse-obsessed private school rich boys. Hardly comes close to a Humphrey Bogart. 

Please please please say college is better than this. 

That's all for now.

K

Man Crushes

Before I talk about these swoon-worthy guys, I just want to put it out there that blogging is completely new to me. I've wanted to blog for so long but I'm a perfectionist and putting out something mediocre isn't what I want to do. It's especially difficult when blogging is no longer a 'unique' thing to do necessarily. There are so many bloggers and vloggers out there right now, so how can you make yourself stand out? It makes starting a blog that much more unnerving. But, then I realized this is a lot like art class - you have to just start and fix it up as you go. So I'm jumping headfirst into this mess with lofty expectations. I have plans to interview people and start getting in my own photos.

Really, I want to create a safe place for young, creative people of color, which is something I feel I didn't have and missed out on when I was growing up. A young P.O.C. should be able to create without feeling like they don't belong. When I went through middle school and early on in high school, it felt like I couldn't listen to Neil Young without being judged, nor could I listen to Kanye without being judged. I'm glad that society is progressing towards a boundary-less vibe. Basically, I want the art-hoe version of Kinfolk. Just interviews, fashion, lifestyle, music, etc. all with equality and intersectionality in mind. Okay, so let's talk about men now.

When you're smack-dab in the middle of a private school bubble ruled by lax bros, a girl can't help but imagine life with an actual guy. A guy who is talented and can, like, think. And not demean women with every sentence that comes out of their mouth. Can you tell I'm bitter? Well, here's the lineup. (As a sidenote, I do have a thing for Zac Efron but it's one of those things where you really don't want to like them because they're borderline basic but they just get cuter and cuter the more time that goes by. Also, I'm the High School Music generation so can you really blame me? Not to mention there are guys from the past like young Heath Ledger - I love you - David Bowie - I love you - and young Jude Law - I love you).

Dev Patel - Look at this boi! I'm completely ashamed to say that I haven't seen Lion yet but the second I do, I'll review it right here and be fashionably late and the like. Until then, I just admire his hair.


Cole Sprouse. He's all over Tumblr so I'm sort of sad that I'm not alone in my admiration for him. But can we take a second to appreciate this spread?? He was interviewed in this really hip magazine, Girls by Boys. I flipped a copy open in Barnes & Noble the other day and was on Cloud 9.

Avan Jogia... *sigh* Look at him walking for Dolce & Gabbana! He's come an insanely long way since his awkward days on Victorious.

Leon. Bridges. I saw him live last year and was absolutely blown away. He's so flipping cute. He's the kind of guy who you would take home to your parents and not be nervous about it at all. Do yourself a favor and go listen to his debut album if you haven't before. SO. GOOD.

Moses Sumney. *queue heart eyes* His song, Plastic, gets me every time, especially this live version. He's so beautiful! Just look at him!


That's all for now.
K

Curly Creative Caramel Queens

"Statistically we're headed toward an age where everybody's gonna be, like, caramel and queer." -Ilana, Broad City

Being able to see people in the media who look like you is taken for granted all the time. I don't think anyone realizes how happy I am that people with darker complexions and curlier hair are finally penetrating the media (2016 was such a good year for women of color). When I was a kid, my role models were people like Taylor Swift and white Barbie, so basically exactly what I couldn't ever be. I hated my curls with a passion and hated getting tan in the summertime. Self-love can't happen when you dislike your very identity. But, my role-models changed and they changed for the better - besides, is Taylor even, like, a nice person these days?

These are the creative women of color that have taken over my Instagram and Google search history...

So. lange. The eye makeup! The hair! The outfits! The MUSIC. If you've not listened to A Seat at the Table, you're missing out in a big way. Anyways, she rocks big frizzy hair which makes me feel high-fashion even with the worst cases of bedhead. 

Zoe freaking Kravitz! Style icon always. And can we get a big round of applause for her mom, Lisa Bonet, circa The Cosby Show??? 

Gabrielle Richardson, model & earth angel. Follow her Instagram +fridacashflow, like, yesterday. 

Crystal Noreiga. Model for Glossier Makeup. I think enough has been said. 

Lupita Nyong'o! Talented, intelligent, drop-dead gorgeous. Every time I watch one of her interviews I am astounded by her radiance. 

Rupi Kaur. Oh my god. Author of Milk & Honey, a short collection of poetry about love, loss, feminity, and race which I highly recommend. Her Instagram account is *on fire*. 

That's all for now.

K

Isn't it Crazy How Fast Life Moves?

The first time I watched Palo Alto I think I was a freshman. Me and my friend, Maia, sat on the floor of her bedroom and watched it on her laptop, gushing about how cute Jack Kilmer and Nat Wolff are. I wasn't really a huge fan and barely understood what was going down. I watched it today as a seasoned high school almost-graduate and *boom*.

Makes total sense now: Emma Roberts and her total disappointment when she spots Jack Kilmer going upstairs with another girl at the party. Nat Wolff and his impulsivity and unexplainable disdain for humanity. Emily and her clear but never said daddy issues. Jack Kilmer's character, Teddy, and his struggle to do the right things at the right times. It's the epitome of being a teenager - the confusion, the romantic awkwardness, the anger and frustration with everything. Isn't it crazy how fast life moves? Almost everything about this movie, the screenplay in particular, is completely relatable 4 years later. 4 years from now I'll be graduating from Tufts.

Can I just mention how much I love this scene with April and Teddy? Awkward-teen-romance goals right there.

Nat Wolff pulled off endearing asshole really well.

That's all for now.
K