Fish

Surrounded by pages,
can't figure out what it is -
you or stacks of papers?
Work on it later.
Captive in your touch,
I am always too much.
So careful not to disrupt what we're here for.

The sea of life is colored by strife,
the waves of the stage of the play of the night and the day,
and everything waits for something to change.
Roads at night lit up in light, the doom of the shade
in the way you say,
"Sweating is stabilizing" -
Remove, refrain, paralyzing.

Take up writing, 
take up running,
my legs are always sore,
what am I running for?
Astrology,
destiny -
What are they there for?

I'm tired of fishing,
I'm tired of wishing.
I wish I could catch you
but I don't want to swim.
It's all over my face
so why can't you win this race?
You left me and that's too much
like him.


October, 2017

Lost Limbs: An Essay On Living

I was never really planning on posting this anywhere. What began as a random typed-up reflection spiraled into an essay I thought was worth sharing. Here goes: 



My mother became sick in the spring of 2014. I find it darkly funny how I remember insignificant details more so than the important bits, like how I actually came to survive that spring. What I remember are vague vignettes the way you remember the aftertaste of an old dream - blurry edges, soundbites, faded strips of scenery, some of it just out of reach, some of it scarily vivid.

I remember with clarity the assorted Pepperidge Farm cookies my grandmother and I shared on the drives to visit Mom, placed in pleated paper trays, and the fillings of raspberry or chocolate, and the way they crumbled dryly into my mouth. I remember most the taste of a vanilla one, with a topcoat of coarse sugar grains that melted slowly on my tongue and left behind a taste of butter. I remember passing a spacious lot with an abandoned gas station on the side of the road and how lonely it made me feel. I remember the dull countryside and how the sun seemed to me a deceptive traitor with its luminosity. I remember the narrow roads over hills and through trees, the car sliding along languid and drowsy.

I remember not being able to see her that first visit, the doctors telling us she wasn't feeling well but still being able to hear her screaming through the side door, "I believe in God" over and over and over, a scream that sounded like my mother's voice but not like my mother, as if a ghost had reign over her body. I remember plugging in earphones to try to drive that screamed phrase out of my head on the hour-long drive back home, then collapsing onto my bed to pray into my pillow even though I wasn't sure whether or not God existed and if he did exist, why he didn't hear me and if he did hear me, why he allowed me to go on without any reassuring words.

I wish I could pinpoint a specific moment where I figured out the key to mastering life when it is falling apart. During an impromptu therapy session two years ago, the therapist asked me, "How did you find the strength to get through all of this?" Emotionally, I responded, "I have no idea." Because I don't. Sometimes I return back to that moment where I said that I didn't have any idea, just to see if I have now discovered what it was that supplied my strength, as she put it. The truth is, I still don't know. But that 'not knowing' is part of the puzzle. The 'key', if there were to be one, is this: There is no specific moment where you figure it out. There is no key. Most importantly, there is no falling apart.

Despite the anguish and despair of that spring, I can remember specific things like the cookies, the gas station, the country, the screaming, and the praying. One might perceive the cookies to be 'good', the gas station and the country to be somewhere in-between, and the screaming and the praying to be 'bad'. We perceive things as 'good' and 'bad' because it is, at times, essential. We have laws and The Ten Commandments to lay out the distinctions. But what really is 'good' and 'bad' and can you really make distinctions? How do we benefit by categorizing our thoughts, memories, and ideas into angelic and evil, into black and white? Why is an Evangelical Christian from North Dakota brought up to viscerally hate non-Christians labeled a 'product of his circumstances' while a young boy who is beaten and abused and grows up to be a murderer not also a 'product of his circumstances'? What makes one person neutral and another person a monster?

A bee, for example, doesn't know good or bad. This is what he knows in his brief time on Earth: collect water, collect pollen, collect propolis. If something goes wrong, he reacts to fix it, or he doesn't, and moves on. 'Wrong' is not applicable to a bee. More than the water, pollen, and propolis, he knows he's alive.

Maybe a better example is a dog because they are indisputably sentient. He doesn't know good or bad either. This is what he knows: his owner, his food, his sleep. If something goes wrong, he moves on. 'Wrong' is not applicable to a dog. He may lose a limb or grow old or become blind, but there is no change in his disposition. If he loses a limb, that's the only thing he loses. Then, he hops.

I had a horrible day the other day and this is exactly why it was horrible: the food in my college cafeteria was less than satisfactory, the people around me seemed to be on a different plane than me, and a seemingly adorable puppy tried to attack me. This day, in retrospect, is funny to me. But why is it funny now when it was not on the day of? If, on days when things are not going as planned, I were to label them as simply 'difficult' rather than 'horrible', would the day become less 'horrible'? That old saying, "you get out what you put in", is literal in this sense because, in categorizing a day as 'horrible', it becomes horrible, not because the physical events of the day have changed, but because you have decided it is horrible. Can a day even be 'horrible'? Can a person be 'horrible'? Does nature know the word? On the contrary, nature's job is not to know, but rather to be. How can we label others as 'bad' when nature is universal while experience is not?

These are all man-made constructions designed to make sense of an insensible world.

This is not to say that you are a bee or a dog or that you even have the ability to pretend that nothing disastrous is happening in the world, or that you should. I'm not even sure that I am trying to say "don't worry, you'll get through it" because that is grossly oversimplifying things. However, in the whole scheme of my life, I do not look back at that spring as a fond memory, nor a traumatic one. It is just a memory, filed away with other 2014 memories. Life can never really fall apart because life is never really 'together' - life is just life and life is chaotic by nature. Moments become events which become days which become our lives. We are just beings collecting our own propolis trying, at the end of the day, to make the most of our lost limbs.

FAM: September Edition

In order to catch up from the blogging I didn't do in September, I thought I would compile all of the things I fell in love with in the past 5-6 weeks. A monthly favorites, if you will. I've divided these into 3 categories: Film (or Findings, if appropriate), Art, and, bien sûr, Music. Hit it.


Film

One of my closest friends in the house loves underground arthouse films like I do so we've hit the Harvard Film Archive several times as well as a few other theaters. One director I've fallen in love with is Chantal Akerman. We saw Golden Eighties and D'Est as well as one or two of her short films which can easily be found on YouTube for free.

Starkly different from her usual material, Golden Eighties is a goofy, feminist-heavy musical. It's heartwarming, funny, dramatic, and very, very French. I highly recommend you check out the opening scene as well as this amazing chanson. Quelle magique on the big screen.

The other Akerman film we saw was called D'Est (From the East). It is extremely hard to describe. It was basically a compilation of different shots of citizens, mostly people waiting for buses and trains. There were incredible shots in there, ones that made me think about bigger-meaning life questions. Yes, it made me cry. Here is one of the scenes that got the waterworks started. 

I also saw a Russian war/love story this month called The Cranes Are Flying. The history behind its filming is really quite beautiful. It was insanely visceral and heartbreaking - crying is likely. Also, my friend and I took note that the heroine is pretty much a Russian Audrey Hepburn. 

Finally, I'd like to bring your attention to a YouTube video that made me cry for a full 10 minutes yesterday. So beautiful. So touching. 

Art

I went to a museum a week or two ago and was blown away by the incredible artists I got to see. There are some pictures of the museum in the last post so definitely check that out. Besides that, not much else!

Music

What I've been listening to:

"Girlfriend in a Coma" by The Smiths

"Five Years" by David Bowie

"Don't Come Home Today" by Good Morning

"The Boss" by James Brown

"Bet She Looks Like You" by Nick Hakim

"Smoke Rings" by Sam Cooke

"Have You Seen Her" by The Chi-Lites

"What'd I Say, Pt. I & II" by Ray Charles

C'est tout!

K

Life So Far

Back at it again. Here are photos from the past month and a half:

K

Everybody's Got a Hungry Heart: Dropping Out

There are times when / I can taste life / or, rather the life I want. / I am so close and it is so sweet / and it is right on my tongue. / But it's like sucking that last / drop of honey from / a teacup. / You know there's more in there / but you haven't the patience to wait / for it to drizzle / down / because, after all, / isn't life just a great big / waiting game?


I have to write this, go for a run, and then do copious amounts of work so I will try and make this fast (or at least as fast as possible).

So much has happened in the last month and a half and I don't think there is much point in hashing out most of it. There have been some beautiful moments. I suppose you'll have to check Instagram. However, there are some problems that have come up and it sprung on me that it might be a worthwhile blog post topic. The topic today just happens to be... dropping out of college.

As a disclaimer let me, first of all, say that I have made no concrete plans or decisions. These are just doubts that have been swimming around in my head for the last week or two. Second, I have no clue how coherent this post will be. Let's find out.


Rejection
I was rejected from a couple of work study jobs I had applied to as well as two acapella groups my first few weeks of college. Granted, it was all very discouraging, not being able to find a tribe. Students always advertise clubs like, "no experience required!" and "it's super fun!" but fail to mention the exclusivity that goes along with it. Of course, seeing as it is only the second month of school, these things are disheartening but not the end of the world. On and ever onward.

The Bubble
There is so much bad stuff going on in the world right now - shootings, political failures, wildfires, hurricanes, and floods. I hear bits of news here and there from other students in the house or see a badge notification on my phone and then... nothing. I feel very much like I am living inside this well-constructed college bubble. We hear the news, we mention it in passing, and then go on with our day. That doesn't sit well with me. But on the other hand, I'm not completely sure what I wish would happen alternatively.

Baltimore
Fuck, do I miss Baltimore. I'm not exactly homesick because I don't miss my apartment so much as I miss the city as a whole. The city was home. It felt good even though it was a city full of strangers and the occasional familiar face. The people were beautiful, the shops were beautiful, and yet there was an ugliness underneath. In other words, it doesn't feel like my time there is over because I feel in my gut that there was more to be done. I don't like moving on to a new place without feeling much closure from the previous one.

Workworkwork
Don't get me wrong - I'm a Capricorn, I was made to work. But I also know that work is pointless if the worker doesn't get the opportunity to reap the benefits. I love treating myself. I love a little give and take. I love working on things that make me excited. I expected to come to university and have the things that make me excited take center stage. But, much like high school, they are still side-hobbies. I'm confused and surprised by the number of graduation requirements I have. When does it end? When does the massive preparation for the real world end? I want to be well-rounded but I also can tell the difference between important and pointless work. I don't really feel like I am accomplishing much in a classroom. And 4 years of meaninglessness terrifies me.

Living
I have a small journal/sketchbook that I scrawl poems or bits of prose in each week. The other day, I wrote this: Isn't life just a great big waiting game? It's all you've been doing. / When does the waiting stop? Who knows? / Quick. / Look. / There it is. / There it goes. My biggest fear is wasting life away, looking back, and realizing I didn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish. My best friend and I have a saying - "looking forward". We talked constantly in high school about how we feel like it was endless waiting. During the week, you're looking forward to the weekend. Then, they're so quick and it's the week again. On Fridays, you're looking forward to Saturdays. On Wednesdays, you're looking forward to Friday or your next vacation. When does it feel like life has finally reached a point where there isn't anymore waiting or looking forward? This doesn't feel that different from the way high school felt.

Who knows. Maybe I'll end up staying. Maybe I'll end up leaving. I have such a solid vision for what I want to be and I thought that I would obtain it during school. But now that I'm here that doesn't feel like a remote possibility because it's still more limbo, still some more space separating the classroom from the world. I want to be living alone, to be working, to be cooking my own food, to be making my own schedule and become my own boss. I'm so tired of following instructions and orders without a second thought. I always imagined myself going against the grain and doing something important, deliberate, and creative but now I find myself following such a standard path in life. Everything is just fine. But nothing is particularly blood-pounding or thought-provoking. Where is it? When is it?

How do I get there? 


What I Listened to in September:
"N'y pense plus tout est bien" by Hughes Aufray
"Lonesome Town" by Ricky Nelson
"Farmissplease" by Nick Hakim
"Paul is Alive" by EL VY
"Baby" by Donnie & Joe Emerson
"In the Morning I'll Be Better" by Tennis
"Library Magic" by The Head and the Heart
"African Blues" by Amina Claudine Myers
"Joe" by Alabama Shakes
"Plastic" by Moses Sumney
"Strawberry Letter 23" by Shuggie Otis
"Greenfields" by The Brothers Four
"Spook" by Adult Jazz
"Lotus Blossom" by Michael Franks
"Beautiful Strangers" by Kevin Morby
"Meeting Points at 2AM" by dné
"Famous" by The Internet
"Bluish" by Animal Collective
"I Want What You Got" by Palace
"In Undertow" by Alvvays


Going back to "K" because "L" doesn't feel right right now.
K

First Week of Uni

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world... And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?


Yo. It's been an insane week and this is one of the first extended periods of time I've had to just sit in my dorm and relax for a bit. (Waiting for my load of laundry to finish up in the dryer downstairs).

It's official! I'm a college student. These past few days have been chaotic and nutty and overwhelming. But also great. I'm really excited and happy to be here and even though everything feels foreign, everything also feels right.

At my university, we spend a full week having orientation programs, taking language placement tests, and enrolling in classes. So, suffice to say the past 4 days have been stressful and busy. There have been open houses, residence hall meetings, seminars on sex, alcohol, plagiarism, and talks from our RAs. There have been great talks with great people, awful talks with awful people, highly uncomfortable talks with strangers, and feelings of temporary isolation. There have been cold days and warm days, rushed dinner times, late nights in lecture halls, and panic-paced walks past groups of older guys.

My roommate, Caity, and I get along well enough and have been able to bond while holed up in our dorm room trying to get away from all of the noise (although it can be hard to avoid, especially when our small little residence house is directly across the street from all of the school's fraternity houses - let's just say Friday and Saturday nights will be anything but quiet).

Now that I've placed into French III and have signed up for said class, English, a sexuality/feminism course, and psychology, things finally began to slow down yesterday. I was able to walk over to "pres lawn" and read a book for a solid hour and a half. It was the first bit of calm I'd gotten in days and was much-needed. There was an adorable glasses-wearing boy not far from me doing the exact same thing. But I digress. Afterwards, last night, me, Caity, and a couple of the other girls on our floor sat down in one of their rooms and shared music, cookies, and tea.

So far, my roommate and another girl down the hall are my two favorite people. There is also a Russian guy that I don't talk too much but who lives on the other side of the house and is super cool and funny. Everyone in the building is sweet, including the RAs. I'm just waiting patiently until I'm able to find my group of people that I can fully relate to and share with. It'll happen with time.

I've got some acapella deals in the works for the next week which is a tad stress-inducing. Auditions are probably one of my least-favorite things to do in the entire world, next to initiating conversations with strangers. Wish me luck.

I've also been watching a lot of zodiac/tarot card videos on YouTube and it seems like this is a huge month for Capricorns. If you're open and willing, that is. There is immense room for personal growth and rebirth this month. I'm shocked at how strangely accurate these horoscopes are and how easily they apply to my life - all of the fortune tellers I've watched have used terms like "pursuing higher education", "social events", "brand new", "starting over", "a new family", and "a new home". The readings seem impossibly good and I've been warned that I should get rid of thoughts of "this is too good to be true", because "everything I've been asking for" is finally about to take place. Fucking A because this Pluto business has been a doozy. 

Here are some photos of the past 4 days, along with 2 hilarious photos from orientation seminars.

Cheers,
L

Car Drives (Windows Down): Favorite Records

Come one and all. I've archived my favorite albums of all time below (in no particular order). Get ready, there's a lot of 'em. There's something for everyone. And I'm sure there will be more in the years to come. Warning: I like over-italicizing. 


I. A Seat At The Table, Solange Knowles, 2016

Summary: I feel like this fave goes without saying... Solange is a sonic goddess. The progression of this album cannot be ignored - she took such care to make sure each song flows into the other, the way a proper album should (never, ever shuffle for optimal experience). By the end, one feels as if they've been a part of something big. In all honesty, these songs feel like more than just songs because they reach levels beyond the audible. There are themes of female empowerment, race, and intersectionality. There are bits of spoken word throughout. This is not background music! 

Ideal For: Getting dressed/ready in the morning

Favorite Moment: "Do you belong?" I do, I do

Favorite Tracks: Rise, Weary, Cranes in the Sky, Don't Touch My Hair, F.U.B.U.


II. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, 2005

Summary: This is one of the first records I purchased and it was on a total whim, mostly because I was obsessed with its cover and sleeve (plus the actual vinyl is bright, translucent orange!). Admittedly, this is a strange little number. It's lesser-known and quite the elusive group. It's definitely not for everyone. The singer, Alec Ounsworth, has a voice that is pretty unconventional - it's on the verge of screechy and I'm sure some critics have called it whiny. I love it. The songs are not too in-your-face. They bounce without being total bangers - almost-beachy vibes. The instrumentals are comforting, like coming home to something. I suppose because I bought this when I was 14 or 15 there is some biased nostalgia wrapped up in it as well. The jammy music and Alec's voice in "Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood" has a sound comparable to Morrissey and The Smiths. 

Ideal For: Aimlessly surfing the web

Favorite Moment: Time has gotten by on alibis and wine

Favorite Tracks: Over and over Again (Lost and Found), Details of the War, The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth, Blue Turning Gray, Gimmie Some Salt, Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood

III. Parachutes, Coldplay, 2000

Summary: I can't express in words how this album makes me feel and the atmosphere it brings me back to. Much like "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah", there's so much nostalgia here. I'm aware that having a Coldplay album in my all-time favorites warrants a "basic bitch" label. Hear me out. "Parachutes" is their first album, before Coldplay hit it big. The songs feel much more stripped down and raw in comparison to their recent music. The progression is perfection. I am not a die-hard Coldplay fan by any means but I am when it comes to this record. Of course, this kind of music isn't everyone's cup of tea and I wonder if I heard it for the first time today, if I would love it so much?

Ideal For: Laying in bed feelin' angsty

Favorite Moment: Here I am and I'll wait in line always

Favorite Tracks: Don't Panic, Shiver, Sparks, Parachutes, High Speed, We Never Change

IV. Our Day Will Come, Ruby & the Romantics, 1963

Summary: I first heard this album while fishing through my grandparent's old records in their living room at the age of 12 or 13. I fell in love instantly. This album came towards the end of doo-wop-y soul-filled music, which is one of my favorite genres to jam to. Ruby's voice is endlessly lovely, each song dreamier than the last. The songs carry you like a river. Although I was nowhere near alive during this era, it has time traveling powers. I can imagine my aunt playing this record back in the day, belting along as she got ready for school while my father listened on - he knows every word. 

Ideal For: Car drives (windows down)

Favorite Moment: I wake up in the morning and I wonder (wonder! wonder! wonder!)

Favorite Tracks: Our Day Will Come, Stranger On The Shore, The End of the World, By The Way, Heartaches

V. Another Self Portrait, Bob Dylan, 1969-1971

Summary: Bob Dylan has an insane amount of music so choosing one album is difficult for two reasons: one, there are so many great albums of his and two, I've not heard all of his music because it would take at least a year of straight listening. He has so many bootleg, unreleased tracks, so many collections. But, based on the listening I've done thus far, this is the best one. It brings me back to discovering him in the winter of my sophomore year. It's classic 70s - steady, boat-like beats, soft acoustic guitar strums, folksy melodies, Dylan-style croons. This record is probably ideal for someone who hasn't begun to listen to him yet. The songs are softer and sweeter. Personally, I'm not a huge fan of Dylan's faster-paced, country-ish music so this album is perfect if that's not your thing either. If it is, Self Portrait is the album for you. Both Self Portrait albums in general are fantastic, both at the peak of Dylan's best. The sadness in "Pretty Saro" is a heartbreaker, the violin in "If Not For You" brings me to the verge of tears. (Sidenote: in the interview with my best friend, I said "Belle Isle" was my favorite Dylan song. After a re-listen of this album, "Pretty Saro" is hands-down my favorite.) 

Ideal For: Either dead of winter or dead of summer

Favorite Moment: I'd write my love a letter that she'd understand and write it by the river where the waters overflow

Favorite Tracks: Went to See the Gypsy - Demo, Pretty Saro, Time Passes Slowly #1, This Evening So Soon, If Not For You, Belle Isle, When I Paint My Masterpiece

VI. Teen Dream, Beach House, 2010

Summary: This is Beach House's best in my opinion, the height of their career. I used to be a die-hard fan but there's a level to this album that the band hasn't returned to since. Although Depression Cherry is pretty good too, there's some unexplainable rule that a sequel no longer holds the same shine. These songs are soft, dreamy, and summer-y. Of course, Victoria's voice is stunning. To me, this album is the epitome of dream pop. There isn't much to say about this album except that there's unexplainable magic happening. It makes my chest hurt with memories of people and places, especially "Silver Soul". 

Ideal For: Taking walks - earphone/headphone action

Favorite Moment: It gathers heat without you, whether or not you're turned from it

Favorite Tracks: Silver Soul, Walk in the Park, Used to Be, 10 Mile Stereo, Take Care

VII. Green Twins, Nick Hakim, 2017

Summary: After hearing Hakim's "Pour Another" about a year or so ago, I knew I needed to keep up with his releases. I was right. This album was just released in May of this year. And it is so damn good. The genre is definitely more on the electronic side. The melodies are crazy groovy, Hakim's voice is sweet and boyish, and the lyrics concerning a pregnancy (ie green twins) make it all even better. Each song seems to have a different kind of unique beat (take the pipe-tapping sound of "Roller Skates" or the sudden change in "TYAF"). Perfect progression from one song to the next. It's simply a beautifully constructed, beautifully written album. 

Ideal For: Showers

Favorite Moment: (the *pause* and *scream* in "Farmissplease")

Favorite Tracks: Green Twins, Bet She Looks Like You, Roller Skates, TYAF, Farmissplease

VIII. Rubber Soul, The Beatles, 1965

Summary: Many have argued that this is The Beatle's best album. I'm sure many Beatles fans will hate me for it, but I much prefer their earlier sound to their later music. Although I appreciate and deeply respect the changes in their music as the 70s brought with it a harder sound, I've always dug their 60s vibe, the stuff written to appeal to the fangirls (I would've been in the front row screaming and fainting with the rest of them). Rubber Soul was right at the transition from their touring years to their non-touring years, so this album has a great mix of radio hits and experimentation - notice the difference between the more early-sounding, clap-happy "I'm Looking Through You" versus George's sitar playing in "Norwegian Wood". Although I was very tempted to instead include Please Please Me, their earliest which includes individual hits like "Love Me Do" and "Twist and Shout" (FAVES), the artistry and change in sound in Rubber Soul cannot be ignored. Their songs took on darker themes and less joyful harmonies. As a full, whole album, this takes the cake. 

Ideal For: Doing art/work to

Favorite Moment: I need to, I need to, I NEED to

Favorite Tracks: Drive My Car, Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown), The Word, Michelle, I'm Looking Through You, In My Life

IX. Halcyon Digest, Deerhunter, 2010

Summary: This is such an interesting album. To be honest, I have no clue what Bradford Cox was going for as I haven't done much research about these tracks. I do know that Cox is a really, really fascinating artist and cool guy. This album came at time when I was just discovering good, alternative music. It's definitely one of those albums that can be appreciated by a wide audience. Each song has so many layers and sublayers to it. It impresses me how much goes into each one. 

Ideal For: A record or vintage shop to play

Favorite Moment: Could you pray for us? We know He loves you the best

Favorite Tracks: Don't Cry, Revival, Basement Scene, Helicopter, He Would Have Laughed

X. Mr. Soul, Sam Cooke, 1963

Summary: Back in the winter, I fell back into a love affair with old-school music. "These Foolish Things" was one song that I was jamming out to. Then, just two days ago, I found the album it was from, listened to it in full, and have become obsessed. Cooke's voice is freaking amazing. I want to dance all night to this album. If you're into piano-tinged, jazzy, soul-filled love songs like I am, this is for you.

Ideal For: Cooking to

Favorite Moment: Oh, how the ghost of you clings, clings, clings

Favorite Tracks: I Wish You Love, Willow Weep for Me, Chains of Love, Nothing Can Change This Love, These Foolish Things

XI. Little Girl Blue, Nina Simone, 1958

Summary: May was my Nina Simone month. After reading a Pitchfork article, I began to listen to her and was so moved by its power (listen to "Why (The King of Love is Dead)" and you'll see why immediately). I then stumbled upon her first album. This album - Simone's debut - is incredible. It's peaceful and solemn. Simone could play the piano like nobody's business and could hit the craziest notes with her voice (perfect pitch, of course). Whenever I listen to her music I think of the documentary, "What Happened, Miss Simone?" which casts sad, dark tones over the listening experience. She was a talented but troubled young black woman growing up in the most difficult time to be a talented young black woman. Major creds. Highly recommend also Pitchfork's Spotify playlist, "Nina Simone: Her Art and Life in 33 Songs". 

Ideal For: Autumn

Favorite Moment: I want to stay here with you forever

Favorite Tracks: He Needs Me, Little Girl Blue, My Baby Just Cares for Me, Plain Gold Ring, You'll Never Walk Alone, I Loves You Porgy

XII. Pet Sounds, The Beach Boys, 1966

Summary: It's not unknown that Brian Wilson was a bona fide genius. Pet Sounds is the proof. The lyrics, music, and overall atmosphere in this album are undeniably good. At this point in The Beach Boys' career, Wilson was sick and tired of writing "let's go to the beach and surf" songs. I think a foreshadow of this transition appears in "In My Room", which came out in 1963 and is the one song on their Surfer Girl album that doesn't deal with surfing - it deals with life and loneliness. So he came up with the tracks on this album, which explored everything life brings, both good and bad ("I Know There's An Answer" is about Wilson tripping on acid). Because of that, this album is pivotal. Kind of like Rubber Soul, The Beach Boys expanded out of their sugary pop phase and began to write substantive, grown-up material, appealing not just to teenage girls exclusively, but the human race (see "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times"). 

Ideal For: Weekend mornings

Favorite Moment: You never need to doubt it, I'll make you so sure about it

Favorite Tracks: Wouldn't It Be Nice, That's Not Me, Don't Talk (Put Your Head On My Shoulder), Let's Go Away For Awhile, God Only Knows, I Just Wasn't Made For These Times, Why Can't We Live Together

Byeee,

L

Oh, What A Relief It Is

There's nothing new under the sun. 

This morning I woke up in a strangely good mood despite the impending-college-doom-cloud. I made a bowl of raw oats with fruit and maple syrup and cinnamon and then said bowl wanted to say hi to all of my plants so we made the rounds...

Anyway, I watched an episode of Frasier and then headed to a friend's house to buy some odds and ends at Target and get lunch at Chipotle.

I'm really appreciating these little leftover friendships I have with different girls from my high school class. I went to lunch yesterday and today with two gal pals that I've been going to school with for ages. They run in different circles and I don't see them very often. But when I see them it's super fun and worthwhile. Not sure what it is about those small connections but they're what I live for - those little conversations, venting sessions, sporadic excursions, trips down memory lane.

Then, I got home confused as to why my phone service had been cut off only to find that my dad got us new iPhone 7's! Trust me, this was long overdue. I've had two iPhones in my lifetime, both of which were 2 generations (at least) behind the current ones and were hand-me-downs with 5 GB of space at most.

Feeling well-fed emotionally/spiritually and physically.


L

P.S. - I can hear my dad snoring in his bedroom and it's literally 4:30pm.

Me and My Best Friend Ask Each Other Questions

So when I was about 4 years old, my mom was able to get me into this new school. I was placed in a homeroom and one of the moms hosted a party for everyone in this class. We got to the party and went out back where a little blonde tomboy and her mom were playing badminton. I asked to play and the rest is history! 14 years later, this blonde tomboy is still putting up with me.


We've gotten closer and closer over time and she's become my best pal and confidante. We've always been able to understand each other even when we kind of don't. It's very lucky when you find someone whom you can invite over and just do nothing together. She just gets it.

I already know that we'll be 23 years old, finally making good on that promise to visit a European city, visiting museums and flirting with locals. At 30 years old we'll be buying peaches and strawberries at a farmer's market catching up about our jobs. At 50 we'll be going to the local arthouse theater in lipstick and linen clothes, complaining about our husbands (or boyfriends, who knows) and hiding white wine in our purses.

Right now, we're off to college (both going to Massachusetts, but at universities 2 hours apart) and dreading next week when we pack and head up. So I put some questions together for her and asked her to put together some questions for me. What ensued was a half-interview-half-conversation. 'L' is me, 'Q' is her. To give you a background for the start of this recording, she forgot to bring her list of questions and thus had to re-write them down.

Q: Okay, I can only think of 8...

L: Okay, I mean you'll probably remember as we go, right?

Q: Maybe.

L: Or... the first few ones I have are really simple ones. So, then you could just be like, "What about you?" And then we can do that.

Q: Mm!

L: What? Did you remember more?

Q: *nods, writes*

L: And think of new ones, too! Okay, cool.

Q: Okay.

L: Okay, what's your zodiac sign?

Q: Aquarius. What's your earliest memory of us besides when we first met?

L: Ooh.. Probably I remember when we were swinging on the swing sets once, like in pre-K, and I think we were sharing who our crushes were and we both said Drew.

Q: Gross.

L: Yeah, I know. But I remember, like, looking around at the boys in the schoolyard, trying to pick the guy who I thought was the cutest.

Q: *laughs* He's such a dick now.

L: I know. I agree. Um, what's your personality type?

Q: Virtuoso.

L: Do you remember what the letters are?

Q: I think it's INSP.

L: Yeah, I think you're right. (Nope. It's ISTP...)

Q: But I think "Virtuoso" sounds better. When do you expect to reach your peak if you haven't already?

L: Fresh out of college would be a nice peak, going into graduate school.

Q: I feel like my entire life has been a peak. *laughs*

L: *laughs* I don't really believe in peaks. Because I feel like you can have multiple. I don't think there has to be one. Although, I know people who I went to school with who I'm like, "Yeah you've already peaked. 8th grade was your peak."

Q: That's terrible. Such low expectations.

L: It's true though! It's accurate. Like, for people who don't live a substantial life, it's like 8th grade was your peak because you didn't have to do anything and all you did was party...

Q: Nobody parties in 8th grade!

L: They had their version of parties. Or freshman year, you know? Who is one band or person you want to see in concert?

Q: Lil Yachty.

L: Okay. Wait, spell that so I know how to spell it in the thing.

Q: *Laughs* Only if you include that you don't know how to spell Lil Yachty.

L: Is it like "Yah-Tee"?

Q: It's L-I-L-Y-A-C-H-T-Y.

L: Oh! Like "yacht". Okay, got it, that makes more sense. Go ahead.

Q: What's your favorite Dylan song?

L: Bob Dylan?

Q: Yeah.

L: Ummm..... What's it called? Is it "Girl From Belle Isle"?

Q: "Belle From Belle Isle".

L: Is it "Belle From Belle Isle"?

Q: I don't know.

L: I feel like it's "Girl From Belle Isle". (HA. It's just "Belle Isle"). If you were to create something autobiographical - so if you had to do a film or create an album or create an art exhibit - what would its title be? Basically, what would you title your life story.

Q: Shit.

L: *laughs*

Q: Since I didn't have this as my yearbook quote, it would be "See You Next Tuesday", written out.

L: Written out? What else?

Q: No, C U Next Tuesday because it's, like, a euphemism for "cunt". And I think it's really funny.

L: Yeah, but you would have it like "S-E-E"?

Q: Yeah! Do it completely written out. Salt or pepper?

L: Salt. I mean, I like pepper and I like it better than salt in certain dishes but I use salt way more. What was your favorite class in high school?

Q: Hmm. It would have to be a tie between Photography, which is really open-ended, and Mixed Media my senior year.

L: Why?

Q: Because I feel like I really concentrated my focus and became a lot more aware of what I was making.

L: Cool.

Q: What are you most afraid of?

L: Like, what's my biggest fear or stuff about real life?

Q: Real life. Realistic, pragmatic shit.

L: Hm, I think my worst fear is probably... I mean, like I was saying there's kind of a real-life one and a "could-happen-but-not-as-realistic".

Q: Do your Reality one and Not-As-Reality-One.

L: I feel like my biggest fear is having people I love dying, people that are very close to me. But in terms of what am I scared of now that we're going into college and stuff, it would probably have to be being old or on my deathbed and realizing I didn't really do what I wanted to do. Who are your biggest heroes?

Q: Um... Who are my biggest heroes?

L: Hero-slash-inspiration for sure.

Q: That's hard.

L: Your queen or king right now. I mean, maybe Zoe Kravitz because you love her.

Q: Zoe Kravitz and, like, Adwoa Aboah are my two style inspirations for sure. Um, Jack White was my biggest hero when I was a kid. Peter Shire! Who's a ceramicist based in Echo Park and he loves striped shirts. Maybe Devendra Banhart, too...Too many people.

L: Well, I said "heroes" not "hero", so it's fine!

Q: I think everyone is my greatest inspiration. That's gonna be my final answer.

L: So dumb. *laughs*

Q: *laughs*

L: I feel like Devendra Banhart, I like him more than his music but I still like his music a lot. But I just like him a lot. Go.

Q: Okay, a little game here... So, first Smash or Pass: Fred Armisen.

L: I mean, smash I guess.

Q: For the story.

L: Yeah! That'd make a great story. And I just feel like that'd be a great thing to do. Because, like I was saying, on your deathbed if you didn't do everything you wanted to do and you die then that sucks, but imagine being on your deathbed and being like, I-

Q: -wanted to smash Fred Armisen.

L: Not wanted to, I did, man. Okay. What's your most prized possession? In your possession?

Q: Materialistic or meaningful? Or both?

L: Well, I feel like "most prized" has to do with making that decision.

Q: Yeah, that's true. My most prized possession is my body.

L: Stop. Be serious!

Q: *laughs* I don't know.

L: You have to have an object where you're like, "I would save this in a fire". I feel like your family has so many antiques or stuff that has been handed down.

Q: Yeah, little stuff. Probably... I don't know, there's a photo, like a weird Polaroid selfie my dad sent to me but he didn't put it in an envelope. Like, it's just the address on the back of the photograph and you can't even see his face.

L: *laughs*

Q: That he sent to me when I was 3 or 4.

L: *laughs* Why would he do that?

Q: I don't know but it's a miracle that it got to our house.

L: That's so funny.

Q: And it just says, like, "Hi. Love, Dad".

L: *guffaws*

Q: Like, it's nothing special. *laughs*

L: That's hilarious.

Q: That's a pretty meaningful object to me.

L: Okay. That's a good answer.

Q: Okay, second round of Smash or Pass: Danny Phantom.

L: Oh my God! Smash as hell! Way more than Fred Armisen.

Q: Smash the ghost out of him.

L: If I had to pick one out of those two, it would obviously be the cartoon.

Q: Well, the last Smash or Pass I have is a killer. It's great.

L: Okay...

Q: Prepare yourself.

L: *snickers* What's the last good book that you read?

Q: It was a good book and the last book I read. I don't read that much. It would be "The Doors of Perception". But also (my boyfriend) gave it to me so...

L: Oh! About what?

Q: It's about a guy who's on mescaline. Mes-cuh-leen? Mes-cuh-lin? Um. And his experience. And the idea of, like, perceiving things through your eyes.

L: Cool. Nice.

Q: Okay, final round of Smash or Pass!

L: *groans* Is it Ted Bundy.

Q: No, you ready? O.J. Simpson. *laughs*

L: Oh, God! Pass! Why would I want to do that?

Q: For the story! What if he just killed you? *laughs*

L: No! People would, like, shame you for that. And that wouldn't be something you'd want to brag about. At all.

Q: *giggles* Major personal gain.

L: Mm. Um. What's your current favorite song?

Q: *trumpet noise* That's my current favorite song. No.

L: *laughs*

Q: What have I been listening to? What's that breakup song?

L: "Break Up Together" by Theo Katzman.

Q: "Break Up Together" by Theo Katzman. Very Jewish name.

L: It is.

Q: What do you want done with your body after you've died?

L: I suppose cremation? I feel like being buried just kind of weirds me out but that's just a personal thing, I feel like if someone else wants to get buried that's their choice. But I also know that cremation has been said to release not-the-best fumes for the environment, but I feel like being buried is probably worse. So, cremation I guess. And I think it'd be cool to pick where you spread your ashes. Instead of just like, *old-man voice* "Bury me at Arlington Cemetary."

Q: "Arlington Cemetary". *laughs*

L: I mean, I wouldn't be buried at Arlington Cemetary. What is your favorite past decade, assuming there was no bigotry, and why?

Q: I would say 70s for sure, because of the music and general culture.

L: Yeah. I love the 70s too.

Q: Words to live by?

L: Like, a quote?

Q: Just words to live by.

L: Oh, just something-

Q: It could be "catdogcat". And you could live by that.

L: *laughs* Um... that's hard. Let me think for a second. Hm. "Live and let live".

Q: What the hell does that mean?

L: It means, like, live your life and don't worry about other people!

Q: "Let live"?

L: Yeah, "let live", you've never heard that?

Q: I have, but it's like you're giving permission.

L: To who?

Q: To everybody else to live, like "live and let live".

L: Well, you put me on the spot with an intense question and I have no clue what I would actually want my motto to be.

Q: I know. Okay.

L: That's my quick answer.

Q: Got it.

L: What's one thing you'll miss about Baltimore?

Q: The health food store...

L: It's OK Natural.

Q: OK Natural Foods. On Preston Street. We'll link. Final question. What do you have to say to yourself in the future?

L: *laughs* "Hope you're doing well"? I don't know. I don't want to ask questions. Like, "Hope you're alive and happy". So. I think that when we were young and stuff you started developing your style pretty early so what influe-

Q: *grimaces*

L: -it's true! So what influenced your style when you were younger? I mean, when we look back we're like, "Oh those are all mistakes" but like it developed into what you have now.

Q: Yeah, I mean, all during 5th grade I wore basketball shorts and my dad's old shirts. I don't know. I think, like, my nana? Because she's always had this weird-Japanese-minimalist-linen style going on that I think is influential.

L: Cool. So, you grew up in a fairly middle-ish class white family so what elements led you towards a path of being aware about other people? I mean did your parents teach you to be like that or did you just do it or what?

Q: I mean from when I was born up until I was 6 or 7, we didn't have the socioeconomic status we have now because it was just my mom, my grandma, and I. And we lived in a community that was very diverse but that was mainly due to the class aspect of it just because race and class are so tied - then, 12 years ago, and now. So, being in a diverse community, that definitely had an effect. And just generally not being ignorant, like, just coming from a family that's really loving and accepting of what everybody does.

L: Okay, there are 3 more questions... What is your biggest frustration as an educated, 'woke' white person?

Q: Seeing other white people who are very ignorant, like the white supremacists who've come out of the woodwork now and are blaming people of color for all of the bad that's happened to them when, for the most part, it's just privileged white people who have negatively impacted working class white folks. And they've just failed to recognize it and choose to put that blame on people of color, which is really unfair to see. I don't know. To me, it's kind of obvious but they choose not to see that.

L: And you mean just, like, the richest white people.

Q: Right, the top 1% are the ones who are screwing most people over.

L: Including other white people.

Q: Definitely including other white people. If not more so in certain aspects.

L: Yeah. Right. What's one thing you wish you were better at? It could be a skill but it could also be a mental thing, or whatever.

Q: Yeah. I wish I was better at exercising.

L: *laughs*

Q: Which I could get better at but I just, I.. I feel like I'm going to die whenever I start doing it. Which is how everyone feels, but.

L: Yeah.

Q: Maybe I desire more stamina. Maybe I don't have enough stamina.

L: I think whenever you've exercised you've not done it for long enough for you to feel good when you exercise.

Q: Yeah. So, maybe I desire stamina, I want to get better at that.

L: Yeah. Rad, okay. Last one: It's basically the question that you asked at the beginning, what's one favorite memory of us hanging out?

Q: What's one favorite... *laughs* We had a time in, like... *chuckles*

L: *laughs* What?

Q: It was, like, third grade I think and I slept over at your house. And I remember we had a fire and I just felt really, really sick but I didn't say anything about it.

L: Oh yeah! *laughs*

Q: I just drank a lot of cranberry juice. There was, like, a Nalgene bottle, 38 ounces of fucking cranberry juice and I was just sipping it.

L: Oh my God, I remember that!

Q: Do you?!

L: Yeah, I do! *laughs* I think my mom, like, poured it all in for you.

Q: Yeah, and then we went to sleep and we both woke up feeling like death.

L: Like, awful. *laughs* You had probably breathed into my face all night.

Q: And in the morning I think we had fevers.

L: I think we both had strep.

Q: And we were really delirious but all I remember is, I think we had lollipops and we were just laughing in bed and then our moms came in and I didn't want to leave because we just kept laughing.

L: Right, right. Ugh, that's awful.

Q: It's so funny.

L: I remember that happening.

Q: It was a very sweet moment, it was like we didn't care that we were sick and felt so bad because we were just laughing so much.

L: I remember I woke up and you left and then I woke up, like, 6 hours later after taking a long nap and I felt horrible.

Q: I'm sorry. Future Me to you.

L: It was just really bad. Yeah. Okay. That's a wrap!

Q: That was really fun.

Dark They Were, and Golden-Eyed

His wife, before him, seemed almost to swirl away in smoke. 

I'm sleepy and hot and laying in bed watching YouTube videos. Basically the epitome of my summer, but I'm feeling fairly secure for the first time in a while. It feels like life is moving towards a solid routine, something good. 10 days and counting!

I've applied to about 10 different places in the area where I'll be going to college in the hopes that I can pin down a solid part-time job. I heard back from the local Buffalo Exchange which I really, really want! The only issue is not knowing my schedule.

I do all of my signing up for classes and placement tests in the first week that I'm on campus, which means I have no clue what my days will look like. This stresses me out a lot. Although I would kind of prefer to sign up for classes once I'm there so that I can check in with my advisor and be able to vent with my roommate, I love getting my schedule in August each year. They make me feel secure and it's nice to know what I'll be doing and when for the next 4 months. Anyway, it's completely out of my control but that sort of blows. I'll give all of these places another call/email once I know my schedule. I just don't like putting those kinds of things off.

I don't have much else to say! I promise the next post won't be so boring, this weekend was just pretty event-less and more relaxing than anything else.


L

A Short Uni Moodboard

Ends of summers feel like a slow turn of an old, mechanical wheel. Something on the conveyer belt is approaching. Something good and new. 

Happy Saturday.. I'm going to pop in some photos for some college inspo below! Then I'm off to get my car from the shop (finally).

L

Atypical Manic Pixie Dream Girls for the Modern Feminist

Well, la di da. I'm still writing this and it's almost 2am. 

12 more days until my uni move-in! Time is going by like that. Anyway, right now we're going to talk about manic pixie dream girls.

So, the term "manic pixie dream girl" was coined by some movie critic dude describing Kirsten Dunst's character in Elizabethtown, a classic (and heartwarming) chick flick. The idea behind a manic pixie dream girl is a female movie or television character who is a little quirky and not entirely thought-out by the writer; her purpose is merely to encourage the leading man to become his best self without really searching for herself. Although they happen to be the driving force, their male counterparts get a billion times more limelight. The credits roll and we never really got to know her as more than an object of romance.

According to Wikipedia, this kind of girl has been compared to something called "The Magical Negro" - that character of color whose only purpose is to give the protagonist (usually male, almost always white) some non-Western spiritual intervention. The Magical Negro is basically a human-version of a Deus ex machina. Come on, there are so many freaking examples of this.

Overall, "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" is something a sexist writer utilizes while "The Magical Negro" is something an ignorant, lazy writer utilizes. Characters of value and potential become lackluster plot tools, cheap Hollywood fixes. This is hardly suitable for the woke, educated millennial.

Here's another example of a typical, boring MPDG - Cara Delevigne's Margo in Paper Towns. Now, I actually quite like this movie as cheesy and John-Green-y as it is. But Margo sucks. Yes, there are stronger female roles balancing her out but Margo is the epitome of a sexist's MPDG. She's all wanderlusty with zero purpose. The only point of her is so that Nat Wolff can discover himself in his search for her whereabouts. We never have an opportunity to understand her because she's such a shallow character. Bleh.

However, there are certain films that feature manic pixie dream girls - or at least a version of them -who are actually, like, great. Great, and important to the plot of the story. It's not just all about the romance for them. Their characters are actual humans with lives and jobs and responsibilities.

Zooey Deschanel's Jessica Day from New Girl is that kind of MPDG - she's got the not-your-average-gal X-factor going for her. Although not my favorite female role in the entire world, Jess takes care of business despite how adorkable and immature she can be. Jess is actually thought-out and she has crucial importance to the series. We see her grow. Best of all, the series doesn't end with an easy Nick + Jess finale.

Now, whenever I come across a girl in a film who is a little quirky, definitely passionate, and yes, manic, I deem them worthy of this prestigious title. They're the antipodes of that 2000s trend of the no-nonsense business woman character who can't commit to relationships (think Sandra Bullock à la The Proposal). A feminist's MPDG is goofy, confused, and all-over-the-place, yet insist on their independence. They do seek love because they're optimistic (unlike Ms. Bullock), they just don't always get it (also unlike Ms. Bullock). There isn't the usual *cue the kiss* *cue the music* *cue the credits* routine. They don't need a man to break through their cold, bitter walls because they're idealists and thus have little to no cold, bitter walls. And, quite frankly, they tend to steal the best lines.

They have flaws, and not the kind of flaws any guy would find endearing. Not ones that always seem to attract the cliché declarations of love like, "I love the way your eyebrows furrow when you read a book you love." None of that BS. These MPDGs have faults - ones that are real, non-negotiable, and ugly, and provide for a more realistic showcase of what relationships are all about. I mean, I LOVE When Harry Met Sally, but come on.





Below we have a lineup of feminist (and underrated) MPDGs. We're gonna go a little further beyond the more-obvious Jessica Days and Leslie Knopes. Hit it.

Frances | Frances Ha

Okay, Frances Ha is a fantastic film that is much too highly unknown. If you haven't seen it, stop reading this and watch it yesterday - it's on Netflix. 

I relate to Frances in so many ways. Watching this movie is like watching myself. I love her. She's an absolute icon for any young millennial in 2017, the encapsulation of women our age. She's confused, crazy, creative, idealist, can't handle her money or relationships, and kind of knows what she wants but also kind of not. She feels like she's falling behind all of her friends and can't seem to obtain all of those life-things a woman is traditionally expected to find. The thing that really makes her stand apart from the other MPDGs is that there kind of is no love interest (unheard of!). There are only implications. That's important. The credits don't roll the moment she's kissed, had sex with, or married that special someone. She's not onscreen to find a happy ending. She's just there to tell her story. "I'm too tall to marry." 

Margot | Take This Waltz

I'm sure a lot of people who have seen Take This Waltz are thinking "WTF, how is Margot an MPDG?" Here's my reasoning. She's definitely confused and quirky. She has no clue what she's doing and can't put her finger on what she wants. She feels misunderstood and stuck. And the pièce de résistance - she follows the normal progression of every romance movie ever, only to find it's actually not really what she needs. She's the perfect example of the MPDG idealist. I kind of read the plot like a special kind of social statement: fairy tales are nonexistent and love is not a quick fix. 

Ruby | Ruby Sparks

Here's the cool thing about Ruby Sparks. Ruby actually is your typical manic pixie dream girl. She's the girl of this sad, sensitive writer's dreams; a girl without a life of her own who depends on him. Sound familiar? The atypical thing about it - and I'm guessing it's because Zoe Kazan wrote the movie and starred as Ruby herself - is that the whole thing goes to shit. Much to the writer's dismay, this Ruby is an unsustainable fantasy. A doll. 

Women like Ruby simply do not exist. They're fiction. Women have their own aspirations and goals. They're their own human beings and, as such, relationships with women - with anybody - will never ever be total smooth sailing. This film demonstrated all of these truths in a very clever, witty way. Perfection. 

Annie Hall | Annie Hall

Personally, I think Annie Hall is an ultra feminist icon but I have a feeling many people have made the opposite argument. To me, this film is similar to Ruby Sparks because it has to do with a man trying to pin a woman down and failing miserably. In Annie Hall, we don't watch the man pursue his dreams with the unwavering support of his grinning girlfriend. Instead, we watch Annie - confused, erratic, awkward, and perpetually restless - try to find herself while Woodie Allen's character tries hopelessly to keep up with her. She is not satisfied so easily. The result is pure, subtle feminism and a real depiction of adult relationships. And bonus: Diane Keaton's killer outfits during the whole thing. 

A Part II may come at some point! I can't think of any others and I'm too tired to write anymore. Night! (Or morning technically).

L