There are times when / I can taste life / or, rather the life I want. / I am so close and it is so sweet / and it is right on my tongue. / But it's like sucking that last / drop of honey from / a teacup. / You know there's more in there / but you haven't the patience to wait / for it to drizzle / down / because, after all, / isn't life just a great big / waiting game?
I have to write this, go for a run, and then do copious amounts of work so I will try and make this fast (or at least as fast as possible).
So much has happened in the last month and a half and I don't think there is much point in hashing out most of it. There have been some
beautiful moments. I suppose you'll have to check Instagram. However, there are some problems that have come up and it sprung on me that it might be a worthwhile blog post topic. The topic today just happens to be... dropping out of college.
As a disclaimer let me, first of all, say that I have made
no concrete plans or decisions. These are just doubts that have been swimming around in my head for the last week or two. Second, I have no clue how coherent this post will be. Let's find out.
Rejection
I was rejected from a couple of work study jobs I had applied to as well as two acapella groups my first few weeks of college. Granted, it was all very discouraging, not being able to find a tribe. Students always advertise clubs like, "no experience required!" and "it's super fun!" but fail to mention the exclusivity that goes along with it. Of course, seeing as it is only the second month of school, these things are disheartening but not the end of the world. On and ever onward.
The Bubble
There is so much bad stuff going on in the world right now - shootings, political failures, wildfires, hurricanes, and floods. I hear bits of news here and there from other students in the house or see a badge notification on my phone and then... nothing. I feel very much like I am living inside this well-constructed college bubble. We hear the news, we mention it in passing, and then go on with our day. That doesn't sit well with me. But on the other hand, I'm not completely sure what I wish would happen alternatively.
Baltimore
Fuck, do I miss Baltimore. I'm not exactly homesick because I don't miss my apartment so much as I miss the city as a whole. The city
was home. It felt good even though it was a city full of strangers and the occasional familiar face. The people were beautiful, the shops were beautiful, and yet there was an ugliness underneath. In other words, it doesn't feel like my time there is over because I feel in my gut that there was more to be done. I don't like moving on to a new place without feeling much closure from the previous one.
Workworkwork
Don't get me wrong - I'm a Capricorn, I was made to work. But I also know that work is pointless if the worker doesn't get the opportunity to reap the benefits. I love treating myself. I love a little give and take. I love working on things that make me excited. I expected to come to university and have the things that make me excited take center stage. But, much like high school, they are still side-hobbies. I'm confused and surprised by the number of graduation requirements I have. When does it end? When does the massive preparation for the real world end? I want to be well-rounded but I also can tell the difference between important and pointless work. I don't really feel like I am accomplishing much in a classroom. And 4 years of meaninglessness terrifies me.
Living
I have a small journal/sketchbook that I scrawl poems or bits of prose in each week. The other day, I wrote this:
Isn't life just a great big waiting game? It's all you've been doing. / When does the waiting stop? Who knows? / Quick. / Look. / There it is. / There it goes. My biggest fear is wasting life away, looking back, and realizing I didn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish. My best friend and I have a saying - "looking forward". We talked constantly in high school about how we feel like it was endless waiting. During the week, you're looking forward to the weekend. Then, they're so quick and it's the week again. On Fridays, you're looking forward to Saturdays. On Wednesdays, you're looking forward to Friday or your next vacation. When does it feel like life has finally reached a point where there isn't anymore waiting or looking forward? This doesn't feel that different from the way high school felt.
Who knows. Maybe I'll end up staying. Maybe I'll end up leaving. I have such a solid vision for what I want to be and I thought that I would obtain it during school. But now that I'm here that doesn't feel like a remote possibility because it's still more limbo, still some more space separating the classroom from the world. I want to be living alone, to be working, to be cooking my own food, to be making my own schedule and become my own boss. I'm so tired of following instructions and orders without a second thought. I always imagined myself going against the grain and doing something important, deliberate, and creative but now I find myself following such a standard path in life. Everything is just
fine. But nothing is particularly blood-pounding or thought-provoking. Where is it? When is it?
How do I get there?
What I Listened to in September:
"N'y pense plus tout est bien" by Hughes Aufray
"Lonesome Town" by Ricky Nelson
"Farmissplease" by Nick Hakim
"Paul is Alive" by EL VY
"Baby" by Donnie & Joe Emerson
"In the Morning I'll Be Better" by Tennis
"Library Magic" by The Head and the Heart
"African Blues" by Amina Claudine Myers
"Joe" by Alabama Shakes
"Plastic" by Moses Sumney
"Strawberry Letter 23" by Shuggie Otis
"Greenfields" by The Brothers Four
"Spook" by Adult Jazz
"Lotus Blossom" by Michael Franks
"Beautiful Strangers" by Kevin Morby
"Meeting Points at 2AM" by dné
"Famous" by The Internet
"Bluish" by Animal Collective
"I Want What You Got" by Palace
"In Undertow" by Alvvays
Going back to "K" because "L" doesn't feel right right now.
K
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