Not Again!: Millennial Medicine For When We're Basically Living in The Simpson's Springfield

A few days ago, President Donald Trump added yet another comment to his repertoire of racist bigotry by calling majority-black countries shitholes. Well, let's face it, America isn't exactly a bed of roses. Like, clearly. Because he's president.

So this is a list I've compiled of things to shift focus to, of things to appreciate, read, listen to, etc. that might distract you, albeit in a healthy way. 

David Letterman's interview with Barack Obama on Netflix, proving that there are incredible old white men. Unlike Trump.

The podcast, Crash On My Couch with Arden Rose and Will Darbyshire, a hilarious power couple I've looked up to for years who always manages to make me grin like a fool in public when I listen with earphones, their "Weekly Idiot" segment in particular. 

The Belgium Popcorn Movement. Google it, you won't regret it. Their music has served as my life's soundtrack for the past month and a half. 

Shane Dawson, one of the only huge-hit Youtubers left with an actual soul. 

The newest season of Black Mirror, because yes it could be worse.

Dave Chappelle's comedy specials because sometimes you just have to laugh at low-key-politically-incorrect-but-lowkey-accurate jokes.

Any pre-1999 movie/show. Nostalgia is sometimes the best cure for millennial blues. Some of my best recommendations are Moonstruck (pictured above), Grease, Clueless, Dirty Dancing, The Fresh Prince, Friends, The Godfather, West Side Story, and How to Steal a Million. 

That's all she (I) wrote! 

Byyeeeee

Fish

Surrounded by pages,
can't figure out what it is -
you or stacks of papers?
Work on it later.
Captive in your touch,
I am always too much.
So careful not to disrupt what we're here for.

The sea of life is colored by strife,
the waves of the stage of the play of the night and the day,
and everything waits for something to change.
Roads at night lit up in light, the doom of the shade
in the way you say,
"Sweating is stabilizing" -
Remove, refrain, paralyzing.

Take up writing, 
take up running,
my legs are always sore,
what am I running for?
Astrology,
destiny -
What are they there for?

I'm tired of fishing,
I'm tired of wishing.
I wish I could catch you
but I don't want to swim.
It's all over my face
so why can't you win this race?
You left me and that's too much
like him.


October, 2017

Lost Limbs: An Essay On Living

I was never really planning on posting this anywhere. What began as a random typed-up reflection spiraled into an essay I thought was worth sharing. Here goes: 



My mother became sick in the spring of 2014. I find it darkly funny how I remember insignificant details more so than the important bits, like how I actually came to survive that spring. What I remember are vague vignettes the way you remember the aftertaste of an old dream - blurry edges, soundbites, faded strips of scenery, some of it just out of reach, some of it scarily vivid.

I remember with clarity the assorted Pepperidge Farm cookies my grandmother and I shared on the drives to visit Mom, placed in pleated paper trays, and the fillings of raspberry or chocolate, and the way they crumbled dryly into my mouth. I remember most the taste of a vanilla one, with a topcoat of coarse sugar grains that melted slowly on my tongue and left behind a taste of butter. I remember passing a spacious lot with an abandoned gas station on the side of the road and how lonely it made me feel. I remember the dull countryside and how the sun seemed to me a deceptive traitor with its luminosity. I remember the narrow roads over hills and through trees, the car sliding along languid and drowsy.

I remember not being able to see her that first visit, the doctors telling us she wasn't feeling well but still being able to hear her screaming through the side door, "I believe in God" over and over and over, a scream that sounded like my mother's voice but not like my mother, as if a ghost had reign over her body. I remember plugging in earphones to try to drive that screamed phrase out of my head on the hour-long drive back home, then collapsing onto my bed to pray into my pillow even though I wasn't sure whether or not God existed and if he did exist, why he didn't hear me and if he did hear me, why he allowed me to go on without any reassuring words.

I wish I could pinpoint a specific moment where I figured out the key to mastering life when it is falling apart. During an impromptu therapy session two years ago, the therapist asked me, "How did you find the strength to get through all of this?" Emotionally, I responded, "I have no idea." Because I don't. Sometimes I return back to that moment where I said that I didn't have any idea, just to see if I have now discovered what it was that supplied my strength, as she put it. The truth is, I still don't know. But that 'not knowing' is part of the puzzle. The 'key', if there were to be one, is this: There is no specific moment where you figure it out. There is no key. Most importantly, there is no falling apart.

Despite the anguish and despair of that spring, I can remember specific things like the cookies, the gas station, the country, the screaming, and the praying. One might perceive the cookies to be 'good', the gas station and the country to be somewhere in-between, and the screaming and the praying to be 'bad'. We perceive things as 'good' and 'bad' because it is, at times, essential. We have laws and The Ten Commandments to lay out the distinctions. But what really is 'good' and 'bad' and can you really make distinctions? How do we benefit by categorizing our thoughts, memories, and ideas into angelic and evil, into black and white? Why is an Evangelical Christian from North Dakota brought up to viscerally hate non-Christians labeled a 'product of his circumstances' while a young boy who is beaten and abused and grows up to be a murderer not also a 'product of his circumstances'? What makes one person neutral and another person a monster?

A bee, for example, doesn't know good or bad. This is what he knows in his brief time on Earth: collect water, collect pollen, collect propolis. If something goes wrong, he reacts to fix it, or he doesn't, and moves on. 'Wrong' is not applicable to a bee. More than the water, pollen, and propolis, he knows he's alive.

Maybe a better example is a dog because they are indisputably sentient. He doesn't know good or bad either. This is what he knows: his owner, his food, his sleep. If something goes wrong, he moves on. 'Wrong' is not applicable to a dog. He may lose a limb or grow old or become blind, but there is no change in his disposition. If he loses a limb, that's the only thing he loses. Then, he hops.

I had a horrible day the other day and this is exactly why it was horrible: the food in my college cafeteria was less than satisfactory, the people around me seemed to be on a different plane than me, and a seemingly adorable puppy tried to attack me. This day, in retrospect, is funny to me. But why is it funny now when it was not on the day of? If, on days when things are not going as planned, I were to label them as simply 'difficult' rather than 'horrible', would the day become less 'horrible'? That old saying, "you get out what you put in", is literal in this sense because, in categorizing a day as 'horrible', it becomes horrible, not because the physical events of the day have changed, but because you have decided it is horrible. Can a day even be 'horrible'? Can a person be 'horrible'? Does nature know the word? On the contrary, nature's job is not to know, but rather to be. How can we label others as 'bad' when nature is universal while experience is not?

These are all man-made constructions designed to make sense of an insensible world.

This is not to say that you are a bee or a dog or that you even have the ability to pretend that nothing disastrous is happening in the world, or that you should. I'm not even sure that I am trying to say "don't worry, you'll get through it" because that is grossly oversimplifying things. However, in the whole scheme of my life, I do not look back at that spring as a fond memory, nor a traumatic one. It is just a memory, filed away with other 2014 memories. Life can never really fall apart because life is never really 'together' - life is just life and life is chaotic by nature. Moments become events which become days which become our lives. We are just beings collecting our own propolis trying, at the end of the day, to make the most of our lost limbs.

FAM: September Edition

In order to catch up from the blogging I didn't do in September, I thought I would compile all of the things I fell in love with in the past 5-6 weeks. A monthly favorites, if you will. I've divided these into 3 categories: Film (or Findings, if appropriate), Art, and, bien sûr, Music. Hit it.


Film

One of my closest friends in the house loves underground arthouse films like I do so we've hit the Harvard Film Archive several times as well as a few other theaters. One director I've fallen in love with is Chantal Akerman. We saw Golden Eighties and D'Est as well as one or two of her short films which can easily be found on YouTube for free.

Starkly different from her usual material, Golden Eighties is a goofy, feminist-heavy musical. It's heartwarming, funny, dramatic, and very, very French. I highly recommend you check out the opening scene as well as this amazing chanson. Quelle magique on the big screen.

The other Akerman film we saw was called D'Est (From the East). It is extremely hard to describe. It was basically a compilation of different shots of citizens, mostly people waiting for buses and trains. There were incredible shots in there, ones that made me think about bigger-meaning life questions. Yes, it made me cry. Here is one of the scenes that got the waterworks started. 

I also saw a Russian war/love story this month called The Cranes Are Flying. The history behind its filming is really quite beautiful. It was insanely visceral and heartbreaking - crying is likely. Also, my friend and I took note that the heroine is pretty much a Russian Audrey Hepburn. 

Finally, I'd like to bring your attention to a YouTube video that made me cry for a full 10 minutes yesterday. So beautiful. So touching. 

Art

I went to a museum a week or two ago and was blown away by the incredible artists I got to see. There are some pictures of the museum in the last post so definitely check that out. Besides that, not much else!

Music

What I've been listening to:

"Girlfriend in a Coma" by The Smiths

"Five Years" by David Bowie

"Don't Come Home Today" by Good Morning

"The Boss" by James Brown

"Bet She Looks Like You" by Nick Hakim

"Smoke Rings" by Sam Cooke

"Have You Seen Her" by The Chi-Lites

"What'd I Say, Pt. I & II" by Ray Charles

C'est tout!

K

Life So Far

Back at it again. Here are photos from the past month and a half:

K

Everybody's Got a Hungry Heart: Dropping Out

There are times when / I can taste life / or, rather the life I want. / I am so close and it is so sweet / and it is right on my tongue. / But it's like sucking that last / drop of honey from / a teacup. / You know there's more in there / but you haven't the patience to wait / for it to drizzle / down / because, after all, / isn't life just a great big / waiting game?


I have to write this, go for a run, and then do copious amounts of work so I will try and make this fast (or at least as fast as possible).

So much has happened in the last month and a half and I don't think there is much point in hashing out most of it. There have been some beautiful moments. I suppose you'll have to check Instagram. However, there are some problems that have come up and it sprung on me that it might be a worthwhile blog post topic. The topic today just happens to be... dropping out of college.

As a disclaimer let me, first of all, say that I have made no concrete plans or decisions. These are just doubts that have been swimming around in my head for the last week or two. Second, I have no clue how coherent this post will be. Let's find out.


Rejection
I was rejected from a couple of work study jobs I had applied to as well as two acapella groups my first few weeks of college. Granted, it was all very discouraging, not being able to find a tribe. Students always advertise clubs like, "no experience required!" and "it's super fun!" but fail to mention the exclusivity that goes along with it. Of course, seeing as it is only the second month of school, these things are disheartening but not the end of the world. On and ever onward.

The Bubble
There is so much bad stuff going on in the world right now - shootings, political failures, wildfires, hurricanes, and floods. I hear bits of news here and there from other students in the house or see a badge notification on my phone and then... nothing. I feel very much like I am living inside this well-constructed college bubble. We hear the news, we mention it in passing, and then go on with our day. That doesn't sit well with me. But on the other hand, I'm not completely sure what I wish would happen alternatively.

Baltimore
Fuck, do I miss Baltimore. I'm not exactly homesick because I don't miss my apartment so much as I miss the city as a whole. The city was home. It felt good even though it was a city full of strangers and the occasional familiar face. The people were beautiful, the shops were beautiful, and yet there was an ugliness underneath. In other words, it doesn't feel like my time there is over because I feel in my gut that there was more to be done. I don't like moving on to a new place without feeling much closure from the previous one.

Workworkwork
Don't get me wrong - I'm a Capricorn, I was made to work. But I also know that work is pointless if the worker doesn't get the opportunity to reap the benefits. I love treating myself. I love a little give and take. I love working on things that make me excited. I expected to come to university and have the things that make me excited take center stage. But, much like high school, they are still side-hobbies. I'm confused and surprised by the number of graduation requirements I have. When does it end? When does the massive preparation for the real world end? I want to be well-rounded but I also can tell the difference between important and pointless work. I don't really feel like I am accomplishing much in a classroom. And 4 years of meaninglessness terrifies me.

Living
I have a small journal/sketchbook that I scrawl poems or bits of prose in each week. The other day, I wrote this: Isn't life just a great big waiting game? It's all you've been doing. / When does the waiting stop? Who knows? / Quick. / Look. / There it is. / There it goes. My biggest fear is wasting life away, looking back, and realizing I didn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish. My best friend and I have a saying - "looking forward". We talked constantly in high school about how we feel like it was endless waiting. During the week, you're looking forward to the weekend. Then, they're so quick and it's the week again. On Fridays, you're looking forward to Saturdays. On Wednesdays, you're looking forward to Friday or your next vacation. When does it feel like life has finally reached a point where there isn't anymore waiting or looking forward? This doesn't feel that different from the way high school felt.

Who knows. Maybe I'll end up staying. Maybe I'll end up leaving. I have such a solid vision for what I want to be and I thought that I would obtain it during school. But now that I'm here that doesn't feel like a remote possibility because it's still more limbo, still some more space separating the classroom from the world. I want to be living alone, to be working, to be cooking my own food, to be making my own schedule and become my own boss. I'm so tired of following instructions and orders without a second thought. I always imagined myself going against the grain and doing something important, deliberate, and creative but now I find myself following such a standard path in life. Everything is just fine. But nothing is particularly blood-pounding or thought-provoking. Where is it? When is it?

How do I get there? 


What I Listened to in September:
"N'y pense plus tout est bien" by Hughes Aufray
"Lonesome Town" by Ricky Nelson
"Farmissplease" by Nick Hakim
"Paul is Alive" by EL VY
"Baby" by Donnie & Joe Emerson
"In the Morning I'll Be Better" by Tennis
"Library Magic" by The Head and the Heart
"African Blues" by Amina Claudine Myers
"Joe" by Alabama Shakes
"Plastic" by Moses Sumney
"Strawberry Letter 23" by Shuggie Otis
"Greenfields" by The Brothers Four
"Spook" by Adult Jazz
"Lotus Blossom" by Michael Franks
"Beautiful Strangers" by Kevin Morby
"Meeting Points at 2AM" by dné
"Famous" by The Internet
"Bluish" by Animal Collective
"I Want What You Got" by Palace
"In Undertow" by Alvvays


Going back to "K" because "L" doesn't feel right right now.
K

First Week of Uni

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world... And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?


Yo. It's been an insane week and this is one of the first extended periods of time I've had to just sit in my dorm and relax for a bit. (Waiting for my load of laundry to finish up in the dryer downstairs).

It's official! I'm a college student. These past few days have been chaotic and nutty and overwhelming. But also great. I'm really excited and happy to be here and even though everything feels foreign, everything also feels right.

At my university, we spend a full week having orientation programs, taking language placement tests, and enrolling in classes. So, suffice to say the past 4 days have been stressful and busy. There have been open houses, residence hall meetings, seminars on sex, alcohol, plagiarism, and talks from our RAs. There have been great talks with great people, awful talks with awful people, highly uncomfortable talks with strangers, and feelings of temporary isolation. There have been cold days and warm days, rushed dinner times, late nights in lecture halls, and panic-paced walks past groups of older guys.

My roommate, Caity, and I get along well enough and have been able to bond while holed up in our dorm room trying to get away from all of the noise (although it can be hard to avoid, especially when our small little residence house is directly across the street from all of the school's fraternity houses - let's just say Friday and Saturday nights will be anything but quiet).

Now that I've placed into French III and have signed up for said class, English, a sexuality/feminism course, and psychology, things finally began to slow down yesterday. I was able to walk over to "pres lawn" and read a book for a solid hour and a half. It was the first bit of calm I'd gotten in days and was much-needed. There was an adorable glasses-wearing boy not far from me doing the exact same thing. But I digress. Afterwards, last night, me, Caity, and a couple of the other girls on our floor sat down in one of their rooms and shared music, cookies, and tea.

So far, my roommate and another girl down the hall are my two favorite people. There is also a Russian guy that I don't talk too much but who lives on the other side of the house and is super cool and funny. Everyone in the building is sweet, including the RAs. I'm just waiting patiently until I'm able to find my group of people that I can fully relate to and share with. It'll happen with time.

I've got some acapella deals in the works for the next week which is a tad stress-inducing. Auditions are probably one of my least-favorite things to do in the entire world, next to initiating conversations with strangers. Wish me luck.

I've also been watching a lot of zodiac/tarot card videos on YouTube and it seems like this is a huge month for Capricorns. If you're open and willing, that is. There is immense room for personal growth and rebirth this month. I'm shocked at how strangely accurate these horoscopes are and how easily they apply to my life - all of the fortune tellers I've watched have used terms like "pursuing higher education", "social events", "brand new", "starting over", "a new family", and "a new home". The readings seem impossibly good and I've been warned that I should get rid of thoughts of "this is too good to be true", because "everything I've been asking for" is finally about to take place. Fucking A because this Pluto business has been a doozy. 

Here are some photos of the past 4 days, along with 2 hilarious photos from orientation seminars.

Cheers,
L